Hidan's Rotten Bones
by chaann
Summary: AU - Everyone celebrates Hidan's death. Everyone except Hidan that is as he crashes his own funeral as well as his husbands future chance at a new life with a new love. KakuHida/minor KakuSaso


No one liked the guy. He was rude, loud and so incredibly vulgar in could make a fair maiden faint. This man was awful, even considered evil at times. He often laughed when he shouldn't have, swore to the gods above and the demons below, and raised his fist in violence too many times for anyone to count. There was not one soul in town who liked, nor loved this man; not even his very own husband.

At least not anymore.

This man was named Hidan. Yes, he was violent, loud and always ready to start a fight anyone and everyone- even with his own beloved husband, Kakuzu, from time to time. Often enough, Kakuzu would be so furious with his spouse he would do anything from letting his mind wander to what life would be like if Hidan would just die and he could collect the life insurance.

Plus that man down the street was very handsome, rich and quite sweet on him as it was.

Oh if only he weren't married to Hidan! However then it happened like a dream come true, the wonderful day that Hidan lost it by crying out loud to the god of of his horrendous religion as he made the ultimate sacrifice of his very own life. On that day Kakuzu came home to the bloody mess where he couldn't help but finally smile from ear to ear that his dreaded husband was gone.  
In fact the whole town was smiling! The sky seemed bluer, the birds were more plenty and singing more of their merry tunes. The sun shone so bright that it tickled the towns skin and warmed their hearts. Hidan was finally dead and they felt absolutely no more dread.

Of course though as tradition, a large gathering of friends and family happened as they 'grieved' over the loss of of the horrid man when he was buried the day before. It had now been five days since the death and Kakuzu was more than ready to move on as the handsome rich man from down the street made his own move onto what was once Hidan's territory - at the funeral no less.  
"Kakuzu, I must say I'm charmed at how well you are handling this. I can feel your bliss from the freedom and your moral grieving from the loss of life." Sasori smirked as he swirled his glass of celebratory wine. "I find that fascinating and very alluring. Perhaps you would like to accompany me one day soon where we can get to know each other... much better."

Kakuzu smirked, "I'd love that. However first I must take Hidan's death certificate and get his life insurance."

Sasori chuckled and had a sip of his wine, "Ah yes, did you not have an extensive life insurance plan for him?"

There was a gentle scoff, "Of course!" Kakuzu took a drink, "Ahh... after I drop it off and finalize his death with the bank, then I'll be able to pay off his coffin and be set for -"

"What the _fuck_ is going on in here!?"

There was a loud horrified gasp and shrill woman's shriek. Glasses of celebratory wine and punch dropped to the floor in shatters as their bodies froze. The people in attendance looked as if they had seen a ghost as they might as well had been as _in walked Hidan_ , rotting in places and swollen in others as his body already began to decay.

Kakuzu's jaw dropped.

"What the hell? Honey, you look like you've seen the dead!" Hidan laughed as he watched the colour drain from his silly husbands face.

Kakuzu had every right to be pale! Sputtering a moment, he raised his finger accusingly and pointed towards Hidan, "I have seen the dead!"

"Huh?"

"You! _You're_ dead!"

Hidan scowled as he took the suit jacket he had been buried in off and hung it up like he usually would. Walking through the flabbergasted room he sat in his usual chair by the fireplace and put his feet up on the foot rest. He moved his fingers about and tilted his head side to side, "Well I don't fuckin' feel dead."

"But you are!" Kakuzu yelled as he recalled very well there not being a pulse when he found Hidan, there not being a pulse when the doctors and police showed up, and no pulse when the coroner checked him. Heck, he was lying there dead as dead could be as he was lowered into his grave just yesterday!

" _You_ , go walk to your grave this instant and get back in that hole!" Kakuzu demanded.

Hidan's brows furrowed deeper at the command to crawl back into that mound of dirt. It was already hard enough getting out as it was! The fact that his husband had just told him to go back to being dead rather than being overjoyed he was alive and with him had gone right over his head.  
"I ain't goin' back in there until I feel dead!" Hidan yelled loud as ever. Now he turned to the unwanted guests in his house, "And all of you scram! Get out of my house and off'a my property!"

Almost everyone left the premises; almost everyone. There stood a bitter Sasori as he stared at the disgusting corpse attempting to warm his ice cold and un-circulated body. Turning to Kakuzu he whispered quietly, "You won't be able to get his life insurance if he's up and about like this. You'll have to do something if you want his money!"

Before Kakuzu could even grovel back in misery, Hidan beat him to it as he sat up a bit in his seat to get a good look at the stranger who still had yet to vacate the building.  
"Why the fuck are you still here?" Hidan snarled before sneering a little, "Hey wait a minute, aren't you the little boy who lives down the lane?"

Sasori rolled his eyes and rested his hand on his hip, "Plebeian... For your information, I'm thirty-five. I'm much older than you are."

Hidan howled in laughter finding this beyond amusing that he had managed to pester the other man so easily. "Wow, what the hell is this munchkin'd fire crotch even doing here still then Kakuzu? What, he's older than me and younger than you and doesn't he have his own rich fancy house to live in?"

Both Kakuzu and Sasori were silent.

"He's like your dream guy if I were to ever..." Hidan suddenly stopped joking and laughing. "How long have I been 'dead' for?"

"Five days." Kakuzu responded coldly as he recalled the five short yet ever-so blissful days.

"And you want me back in the ground because..." Hidan pointed to Sasori, "you want me dead so you can collect my money and marry this puny little shit instead!"

Raising his hands, Sasori shook his head in defense, "Oh no you got me all wrong! You're just SO superior to me I wouldn't have a chance no matter what."

"You're right, I AM better than you." Hidan sneered, "For as long as I'm still alive, your relationship won't hold up and my money neither of you will get 'cause I ain't dying anytime soon!"

This made Kakuzu was to tear the hair from his head as he would just have to wait until Hidan decided he felt like he was dead. Hidan was right. If Kakuzu divorced Hidan, he wouldn't get the money. And he really didn't think he could wait much longer - Hidan stunk of rotting corpse.

Every day, week and month Kakuzu felt more and more nauseous as he watched Hidan deteriorate. By the year long of being a corpse and Kakuzu throwing up daily from the retched smell and disgusting appearance, it was taking far too long. How was this even possible!? A divine punishment for not being able to mourn over the awful man when he died? If so, how come the rest of the town wasn't suffering! Maybe it was because... No Hidan didn't know about the affair he had with Sasori prior. It was one time!

It was one time and then soon after Hidan killed himself.

Kakuzu looked across the room at the corpse as he moved, cracking his jaw bone in an out of its socket. Had Hidan known? Was this punishment for his adultry?

Walking into the home, Sasori's eyes narrowed as he caught look of the disgusting creature clicking away as it watched the new fangled television. On the screen were multiple dancing black and white insects as it sang a muffled tune.

Cartoons. How foolish.

Those dancing insects made him snarl has he watched the maggots crawl in and out of Hidan's rotting cheek as the flesh, the flesh that wobbled as Hidan shook his head to the tune, clearly enjoying the music. His nose curled in disgust at the smell as he took one more step into the room. He was getting fed up with this.

Making his way across the room towards Kakuzu who sat perched near an open window for fresh air, he lowered his head and hissed. "Kakuzu, I am absolutely sick of waiting for this...this monstrosity to done away with." He growled as he put his violin case on the table.

"I know, I know it's just-"

"Hey! What the hell are you two talking about now?" Hidan laughed sadistically as he looked away from his show. As he did he caught eye of the violin case. "Hey... Hey slut-sori, whatcha got there?" He asked as he sat up for a better look.

Sasori wasn't keen on talking to Hidan so Kakuzu sighed and spoke for him. "It's a violin. Sasori plays the violin in an orchestra when he's not making art." He explained. Looking over to Sasori now he sighed, "Hidan knows its a music case... He loves music."

Smiling, Hidan clapped his rotten hands together and stood up, another piece of flesh of him falling off as per usual lately. Fortunately he picked it up and put it back into place before walking to the two other men. "You know me so well honey. Yeah red, music is great!" He smiled. "In fact, why don't you play us something and let's all have a little dance party"

Sasori sneered at the thought of playing music for the hideous corpse. Oh well, what was the harm? At least the man was being somewhat pleasant which was the shock of the evening. Nevertheless, getting out his violin Sasori held it in place while Hidan took to an open space on the floor.

A quick note here and a quick note there and suddenly a song was produced. A simple small town classic that originated way back when they were nothing but a village. Back then the land had a rather unfavorable reputation as The Land of Evil and Death as a majority of the folks people were Jashin worshippers - now not so much.

With a loud thud, there fell a large piece of Hidan's flesh onto the floor, however he was too caught up in the song and dance to notice a thing. Kakuzu on the other hand looked on as the flesh stained his wood flooring. He also noticed another piece of flesh ripping off his husband with each jig.

"Sasori, don't stop playing!"

Sasori glared up at his lover, "I don't know Kakuzu, I'm getting pretty sick and tired of all this."

"No! Play faster! Hidan loves the older, _quick_ paced classics; play those!"

Rolling his eyes, Sasori carried on and switched swiftly within a couple notes to the next one. As he played he growled at the disgusting sight before him of Hidan's flesh tear away and splatter all over the floor. Next was his arm and his rattling knees crumbling and breaking. The man was as disgusting dead as he was alive. Glaring at Kakuzu his expression darkened; just what of this thing had Kakuzu fallen in love with in the first place? This was all too much, this was disgusting!

"Sasori, keep playing!" Kakuzu yelled getting more an more excited as he watched his dead husband danced himself more and more into pieces. "Play even faster!"

And so Sasori played on, silently grinding his teeth as another of Hidan's arm cracked and snapped and fell to the ground. Ribs snapped and dropped, until a a good jig sent Hidan's dancing remnants toppling to the floor so all that was left was a nattering head as his teeth clicked in joy of the song. Kakuzu may have been delighted at this frightening sight, however Sasori was anything but,  
"That's it Kakuzu, I'm leaving for good!"

Kakuzu was heartbroken when Sasori stormed off on him like that, even going as far as to refuse to talk to him from that day forward! Still, that night after Sasori left, rather than chase Sasori, Kakuzu quickly gathered Hidan's nattering angry head and all his other brittle limbs and burried them in a hole in the backyard.

Since Kakuzu disposed of the body in such a manner, he was still never able to get his dead husband's life insurance. As for Sasori, he never did come back for Kakuzu and instead ended up marrying a young energetic beauty; who had recently moseyed on into town to perform his wandering street art and was now living there as his new sweetheart. Hidan now on the other hand stayed happily in his grave on his property, knowing now that his cheating husband would be a single, poor widower forever.

* * *

happy halloweeeeeen

based on the old scary story aaron kelly's bones. BYE LOSERS


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